Ask the Wedding Goddess
We are happy to introduce this new feature column at Wedlok.com. Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway will answer your questions and help relieve wedding stress. Please e-mail your questions and wedding challenges to The Wedding Goddess.
I just got engaged. My sister let my parents pay for her wedding and she was a slave to my mother’s ideas. My fiancé and I are thinking of paying for our own wedding… of course it won’t be as fancy but at least it will be ours. But my mother has a strong personality and I am afraid she will try to control me and it, anyway. What can I do to win the wedding war? - Gina G.
Oh dear … sounds like you are ready to put on your battle gear. It saddens me to see how many brides feel that planning their wedding means going to war. It is one of the unfortunate side effects of today’s complex circumstances that surround weddings.
First off, you may want to stop looking at it as a war. It doesn’t have to be. Perhaps you can find a way to pay for the things you truly want to control and let mom have a field day on the aspects that are of less interest to you?
Picking up your own tab will spare you from overwhelming parental control, but you can’t duck it completely, especially with such a hands-on mom. Families have a way of insinuating themselves into the plan. I think you will find it a true growing experience if you put your focus on creating a situation that is as close to ideal as possible for you and your beloved, and also gives mom a chance to be supportive and helpful.
Moms can be tough but at the same time, you might find that having planned your sisters wedding she actually has some good ideas and know how. And there is the chance that she may have found enough satisfaction controlling your sisters nuptials that she is not as hands on with yours.
Ah, you are thinking, “She does not know my mother!” That’s true. But you do, so you may also know better than anyone how to get your way with her and how to make sure she is busy enough and satisfied enough to kind of stay out of your hair on the portions of the wedding you want to plan only with your beloved.
For example, I work with a lot of brides who would never let their mothers pick out their officiant, or have any say in the ceremony, but they are happy to have moms help with floral arrangements, menus, dealing with the venue or caterers, and in general helping find and interview vendors.
If you analyze the situation you might find that you can create a line of division between the things that are sacred to you, and the things you are willing to put mom in charge of. Some tips:
1. Do a true assessment of the entire situation and all the players. Is it plausible that your parents can pay for part of the wedding and therefore mom gets a partial hand in it, managing some very specific aspects? Wedding planning is tons of work. You might be glad to have help.
2. Get clear on the wedding you would like to have. Would you rather go lower budget, less frills, more intimate and more control? Or can you bear having parents kick in some bucks in exchange for some votes on how they are used for the big day?
3. Figure out with your husband-to-be what you would be willing to have mom do and not do. Be clear and congruent as a team, and back each other up on all your choices.
4. Once you two decide what you truly want, approach mom together. If you want to let your parents to take part financially, have a list of the things you would love mom to handle and have a clear idea of the things that you and your beloved will do together. If she agrees, create a wedding chart of who is handling what and what aspect you and mom will work on together. Make it a partnership with clear boundaries.
God bless your sister for being the Guinea Pig here. Ask her what her top recommendations are for dealing with mom in the wedding planning arena!
Many blessings, Rev. Laurie Sue
© 2007, Reverend Laurie Sue Brockway
Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway is a leading interfaith and non-denominational wedding officiant. She creates unique ceremonies for couples of all backgrounds and faiths, and is also widely recognized as a relationship coach, bridal stress expert and columnist. She is author of WEDDING GODDESS: A Divine Guide to Transforming Wedding Stress into Wedding Bliss. To help reduce wedding stress, get your personally autographed copy at www.WeddingGoddess.com.
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